Musings: Let it go! Necessary to grow and develop

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The Property Voice Podcast - Musings: Let it go! Necessary to grow and develop

Growth and change means giving up some things and getting some new things instead. Sometimes, it is hard to let go of some things though. This could be things or even people. Fear may hold us back, but so too could being held back by other people, or we could be too preoccupied by the dramas that others bring into our lives. We therefore need to learn how to let go of some things and indeed people, some of which could be very close to us. Join me as I share from my personal experience how I have learned to let go of many things and even people in my life, along with the less obvious upside of doing so.

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Resources mentioned

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Transcription of the show

Hello and welcome to another edition of The Property Voice Podcast, my name is Richard Brown and as always it is a pleasure to have you join me again on the show today.

This is a show that may never have been. I was tempted to give this one a miss to be totally honest with you. It may be clear once you have listened to the end. However, I see the value in sharing this rather more personal musings episode and that’s why I decided to go ahead. I hope you get some benefit from it. So, let’s get on with the show and Property Chatter

Property Chatter

To become successful we have to grow, develop and change. I think we all accept that don’t we?

However, in order to do that we need to get rid of the excess baggage and leave some things & people behind and learn to let go too. Things like:

• Bad habits & rituals like getting up late such that you don’t start the day properly with a supportive routine…including a proper breakfast, poor exercise and eating habits that reduce physical and mental performance, or failing to enjoy the ride as much as the destination
• Bad environments & surroundings like the local pub or social group where gossip, cynicism or sarcasm dominate the conversation
• Bad activities & pastimes such as spending 2-3 hours watching TV, playing video games or fiction reading a night
• Bad financial management practices like not setting aside money for a rainy day, failing to track spending or paying compound interest instead of earning it
• Bad decisions & judgement such as jumping into things too quickly, failing to do background checks on people or properties or following the herd all the time
• Bad attitude, thoughts & beliefs such as being negative, judgmental and critical, believing money is only a force of evil or being so stifled by procrastination that you cannot move forward

And finally …

• Bad people such as those that encourage you to do any of the above, bring a bad energy or vibe into your life or are just a source of problems and challenge rather than solutions and support

There is one common thread that runs through all of these bad things…fear. Fear will hold us back from making the changes we know we really need to make.

With regard to people, we may fear rejection from people we care about or even love, we may fear falling outside of the crowd or we may fear being judged or ridiculed by people that play a significant part in our lives.

It is also fair to point out that, perhaps surprisingly, there are many positives that will arise if we are brave enough to shed the excess baggage and let go of what or who are bad or have negative influences on us.

In order to illustrate the point, I will share with you some personal experiences of my own. In increasing degrees of difficulty, these are:

Experience number 1 – many of my favourite TV programmes

Experience number 2 – my corporate career

Experience number 3 – some people close to me including family members

TV

I used to watch quite a lot of TV, such as:

Live football matches during the week, suck you in series like X-Factor, Strictly The Voice, comedy like Have I Got News for You, Not Going Out or the trio of TV Gold: Vicar of Dibley, Fawlty Towers & Only Fools & Horses & other entertainment shows like Top Gear, Jules Holland & Jonathan Ross. If I were to add this little lot up per week I would probably spend around 14-21 hours per week watching TV.

That 21 hours is the equivalent of 3 working days or 3 decent night’s sleep or a part-time degree course

It is also perhaps one of the easiest things I will share here to let go of.

Now I spend a lot of this time either reading, studying, in outdoor pursuits and experiences, or with my family in conversation instead.

I was distracted and entertained for sure with that diet of TV sport, humour, music & entertainment. However, now that I have rid myself of much of that time, I have more time available to do more positive and uplifting things instead. My quality time with my family is higher, my experiences are more memorable and my conversation is richer than ‘did you see Jonathan Ross snogging that actress on TV the other night?’

This one then, was one of the easier wins and not such a heavy load to let go of.

Corporate career

Until fairly recently, I used to be able to say that I worked for a multi-national company with a six-figure salary and benefits package, along with overseas travel opportunities and career advancement prospects.

I was also at risk of redundancy or other job insecurities outside of my direct control, had to contend with mind-numbingly poor strategy or policy decisions and sadly encountered people in positions of power that or could not help but to practice workplace bullying.

You could also say that I was a wage slave, a highly paid one, but a slave all the same.

A few years ago, my employer announced that all of the sales and business development teams of the business were to be placed at risk of redundancy…every single one of us! At that point in time, I had been considering my options for a while. I had built up a modest property portfolio on the side of my day-job and whilst it was doing well, it was at that stage not generating enough income to replace my salary in full. I knew that one day this would happen and it was also my goal to lead a more free life away from the big corporates. So, I asked what the redundancy package was. I was told that I should not worry and that I was personally not at any risk and that there was a job there with my name on it. I persisted, much to everyone’s surprise with following the redundancy route.

Now, because I opted to take the package and leave, I didn’t get any favours apart from the basic deal on the table. However, with some of the tax breaks and coupled with some adjustments to my lifestyle, I had enough money as a burn rate to survive 6-9 months with no other income. I made a calculated decision to leave then, rather than play the game and stick around in the new role that really did nothing for me for a couple of years before hoping to be in a better position to do so.

At the end of my first year, I was able to look back and appreciate that I had earned enough money to fully replace my previous salary. I did this through core employment role in a small business that allowed me plenty of flexibility, time and freedom to do other things. I had my existing property portfolio rental income, which I added to during the year and I flipped a couple of properties to plug the gap.

Most of all though, I was free, I was independent and I was doing what I really loved to do nearly every day of my life. I could no longer say that I was working for such and such, a respected international business and if people did ask me what I did for a living, they were puzzled with my response of my ‘portfolio career’…a little bit of this and a little bit of that if you prefer.

However, now, I wake up early more out of choice than necessity, I can honestly say that I love what I do every day and I do not consider it to be work at all and most of all, I can be anywhere doing it as well. A Tim Ferriss style, location-independent lifestyle if you like.

Some people close to me

I guess if you drew out a list to represent people with whom you have a relationship with, it may look something a little like this:

1. Your partner or significant other
2. Your own nuclear family
3. Your parents, brothers & sisters and wider family
4. Your close friends
5. Your general friends
6. Work colleagues and general acquaintances

Over time, I guess I have had to let go of people within each of these categories. It is a difficult thing to share and open up with in some cases as I am sure you may appreciate. In fact, I was pondering on not having a podcast show this week at all, as the only thing that was in my head to share this week was this topic of letting go and I thought it might be too painful. However, I decided to record the show and share some of my personal experiences so that you can see how a good can come from a bad and that there is support as well as challenge in everything.

In terms of the top three of my general family, my nuclear family and my partner, I have had to let go here too. Some are through loss and the grief that causes, such as grandparents and some older aunts for example. However, much closer to home, I have had to let go of a sister, a daughter and a wife.

In some cases, they may not be gone for ever…in fact I hope that may not be the case with my sister and daughter, as you could well imagine. However, in each and every case I have had to let go in one way or another.

I will start with my ex-wife. 18 years together and two children meant that this was a pretty embedded and important relationship in my life. Like many marriages, it had its ups and downs, many things that were wrong were wrong because of me too I hasten to add. However, what brought it to an end was a horrible and destructive addiction to alcohol. My wife had become an alcoholic, I will however spare you and indeed her from the details. Suffice to say that when I went to see a doctor myself one day a few years in, he shocked me by saying that I had become depressed and he was prescribing me with anti-depressants and a therapist. I knew then that I was in some serious trouble. My children were still quite young and dependent and they needed at least one parent to be capable of caring for them…I decided that should be me.

To cut to the end of the story, I never did cash in that prescription, nor did I go further than a telephone call with the therapist and when I returned to see the doctor 3 weeks after that initial visit I told him that I knew what the cause of my depression was and how I was going to fix it. I decided to leave and get a divorce. He was amazed, not by my decision as such, but that I was able to take full control over my situation and act positively and decisively. He actually wanted to bottle what I told him and prescribe it to other patients…not so they could all get divorced you understand…it was all about taking personal responsibility, decisive action and ending harmful relationships.

Fast-forward a few years and I have remarried and can honestly say that I am happy and content. There was a lot of water that needed to pass under the bridge following the divorce of course, but I made it through to the other side. I had to let go of someone that I loved to save myself however. As tough a decision that was, it was a decision that possibly also saved either mine, my ex-wife’s or indeed my children’s lives…quite literally.

As for my sister. I changed and she changed is basically the cause of the conflict. However, the conflict seems to be born out of jealousy, false expectation and harsh judgment if I am totally honest with you. In truth, I don’t fully understand what has happened and despite trying to talk and understand, there seems to be a void there somewhere.

However, here’s the point. I could sit and ponder, reflect on the ‘what’ and the ‘why’ and try to move heaven and earth to fix things here…or alternatively, I can choose to accept them as they are instead. Of course I tried, but at some stage you really do have to put yourself first, you cannot change the other person or the situation if they don’t want to. However, what you can change is your own attitude and approach. I have therefore decided to accept that there is a winter season between myself and my sister and to move forward instead. The spring may come one day but for now it is winter for sure.

The positive side to this is that I have also given up the worry and anxiety, which can be all-consuming and debilitating. The silence means the drama is no more and by accepting the situation as it is I have an inner peace at least. I hope this story has not ended but even if it has, I have found a way to let it go and let it be, such that it no longer pulls me down mentally or emotionally anymore. My thoughts and energies have been released as a result.

Finally, my daughter. I have three daughters, two through my first marriage and one through my second. My eldest daughter has recently been diagnosed with a mental health condition. Before that, I knew all was not well for several years but frustratingly there was no diagnosis to work with. As an aside, if you have ever had any dealings with child mental health, then this is something that needs to change, as it delays treatment and destroys lives.

Back to the story however and once again to protect those involved I will keep the information to a minimum. My daughter lived with me for a time and then she left to live with her mother. I will spare the details, however as a result she did not speak to me for a year and a half. After a brief reconciliation, we find ourselves in a similar position once again now for another so-far six months of the silent treatment. It hurts like hell I can tell you.

However, with many a sleepless night, unanswered message, call, text, letter and so on there is a limit in what you can do when the other person does not want to. So, I decided to once again accept the situation as it is and let it go. I will never give up on my daughter, but I have to let her go for now. The acceptance of the situation is once again liberating. I can live my life again, without the constant focus on my daughter and how she is, not only towards me but also with regard to her condition as well. I actually have no choice and no control and so my decision to let it go…for now…is the only one I have left that will spare my own hurt and sanity.

The upside is that I can function, give attention to my other loved ones and be ready and in good shape if and when my daughter wants to reconcile again. I am free from the worry, hurt and constant attempts to push on a closed door too. My energies are free to be channelled elsewhere now.

Conclusion

Now, then…I realise that I have shared some very personal events and situations here. I was for obvious reasons tempted not to do so. However, there are some aspects of what I shared that I believe can help others too. There are some obvious points like understanding that you cannot control other people and some situations. Equally, we have choices to make and decisions to take if we are to assume personal responsibility in our lives. By letting go, we are then free to move forward, we are open to change and we have more energy and focus for the things that remain in our lives instead.

Is this relevant to property investing? I say yes it is. It is definitely relevant to life and our property investing is only a part of our lives after all. However, if we are to grow and succeed, we also have to get some new things and give up or let go of some things. Some of those things can be people too.

Even when we give up something, invariably we get something back as well, even if we can’t see it immediately, or would rather not choose have it. However, we will face change, fear, loss and pain throughout our lives anyway, whether we choose to or now…it is as much a part of life as happiness, joy and fulfilment…or at least I hope it is!

The key point here is our attitude, choices, decisions and actions. We can only control these, we cannot control other peoples’. We can also not grow if we are kept in a box, we need to be able to climb out of it if we want something new and better in our lives.

I have gone on far longer than I expected to this week, but it is a topic that has been on my mind for a while now. Apologies if you think it is too personal or too far removed from pure property as such…I am planning more specific property content for you very soon I promise.

As always, mail me at podcast@thepropertyvoice.net, post into the Property Voice Facebook group or check out the show notes at www.thepropertyvoice.net

Thank you very much for listening again this week and until next time on The Property Voice Podcast…it’s ciao-ciao